Under Better Circumstances 11 - Bittersweet

Title: Under Better Circumstances - Chapter 11: Bittersweet Confessions
Author: xRebel666x
Game: Mass Effect
Characters/Pairing: Commander Nevada Shepard (femShep) and James Vega

Chapter 11 - Bittersweet Confessions

  Nevada Shepard leaned up against the walls of the elevator as she proceeded towards the CIC. Contemplating the request she received from Kaidan. The Major asked her to accompany him to lunch on the Citadel. Seemed like a harmless invitation but she couldn't shake the nagging thought that there was something more behind their rendezvous.

  As she waltzed out of the elevator, Specialist Traynor approached the Commander with a new message, "Shepard, I received a notice from your Lieutenant."

  "What does he want?"

  "He wanted to know if you'll be joining him for his tattoo session."

  She ran her fingers through her long brown hair, scratching her scalp in distress. She completely forgot that he was getting the N7 logo inked today. "Please advise Mr. Vega that I will be in attendance after I grab some lunch."

  "Understood, Commander. Did you want me to avoid mentioning who will be accompanying you?"

  Nevada cocked her head to the side and sneered, "Do you really have to ask?"

  "I am merely being thorough, ma'am. Although, if you don't mind me asking, why are you having lunch with the Major when you know it'll create issues with the Lieutenant?"

  "Kaidan is still a member of the crew and I aim to make everyone happy. If having lunch with him and hearing what he has to say gives him a moment of peace, then there is no question about me doing this. He's going through a lot right now, we all are… speaking of that, you need to loosen up. Go enjoy yourself, Samantha. While you still can," the Commander advised, knowing full heartedly that any day could be their last.

  "I'll try to," the timid communications officer mentioned, watching as Shepard began retreating towards the front of the ship.

  Nevada made her way through the security checkpoint on Bay 24 and began heading to Apollo's Café at the Presidium Commons. As she stepped down the stairs to the main area, she could see Kaidan already waiting at one of the tables. Her chest tensed up, it became difficult to breath, and - for the first time ever - she felt hesitant about meeting up with one of her fellow squadmates. No matter how much she fought to keep it at bay, the nagging thought saying there was something more behind this kept repeating itself over and over…

  When the Major caught the defining shadow of his commanding officer creeping up on him, he immediately stood up and pulled out a chair for her. Shepard situated herself and began looking over the menu while carefully shooting glances at her subordinate. She was determined to study his actions and figure out what was really going on.

  "Surprised this place can still get supplies for a menu like this," Kaidan smiled, fumbling with the menu in front of him.

  "Maybe it's better if we don't ask how..." she replied, coming across an odd appetizer on the list that she couldn't pronounce, "or where."

  The man sitting beside her laughed, "I'm glad we're taking the time to do this. I could use a sanity check."

  "Things have been pretty crazy," Shepard agreed, noticing an asari waitress coming up to their table. She asked what they wanted - Kaidan ordered a sandwich while Nevada ordered what sounded like some sort of pasta dish… at least she hoped it was pasta.

  As soon as the waitress went to turn in their order, Kaidan continued their conversation, "You know, my life flashed in front of my eyes a few times - and there weren't enough moments like this, with people I care about."

  "How are you feeling these days?"

  "Feeling up to whatever the Reapers throw at me."

  "That's the spirit," she praised.

  Fumbling with his hands, he gazed down at the table and admitted, "And grateful that I convinced you to sit down for half a second and relax."

  "Yeah, I think it's a good time for us to have a heart-to-heart."

  "Got to seize the moments when we can, right?" he asked, bringing his deep eyes to meet hers.

  "We have way too much past... I want to make sure we're okay."

  "Me, too."

  Nevada pulled her hair behind her ear, remembering, "Speaking of… I noticed you talking to Udina the other day, what's up?

  "You saw that, did you? Well," the Alliance soldier rubbed his neck anxiously, "he's offered to make me a Spectre."

  "A Spectre?" she asked, a bit surprised that Udina was handing out another Spectre spot when there were more prying matters at hand. She didn't let her doubt in the Counselor diminish congratulating the man beside her, "That's great, I'm happy for you."

  "It's a big honor... a huge responsibility. Only the second human Spectre. It'll be hard to measure up to you," he nudged her playfully. "Although, it seems small compared to what's going on. Udina thinks they might have a pretty big ceremony, even with the war."

  "Spectre Kaidan Alenko…" she let the words roll off her tongue, "Doesn't surprise me. You're a fine soldier with an impressive record. You're perfect for the job. I honestly cannot think of a more deserving candidate."

  "Thanks," he modestly confessed, "That... means a lot coming from you."

  "And afterwards? Any plans to come back to the Normandy?"

  "Well, that all depends… how about some drinks first?" he asked, pointing at the liquor selection behind the Café's counter.

  "Sounds good," she asked, eyeing over all the different alcohols, "What are you drinking?"

  "Shot of whiskey and a good old Canadian lager. Think they have it?"

  Shepard squinted at the assortment, "More likely to have Batarian Shard Wine."

  "Tell me what you want and I'll go order it."

  She shrugged, unable to make a decision, "Surprise me."

  Kaidan left the Commander behind and went to the counter. As he ordered their drinks, he kept looking back at Nevada and giving her a smile. She kept trying to understand his intentions… hoping this was nothing more than a friendly get-together. He thanked the bartender and carried over two glasses. He set one of them in front of Shepard and took a sip out of his. His had the pungent aroma of hops spewing from it, smelled like one of the beers she came across while on Omega. Hers was clear and had a lime slice hanging off the rim. She planned to backhand him if he brought her a glass of water…

  She curiously picked it up and took a whiff, immediately recognizing the contents, "Tequila? Are you trying to soften me up, Major?"

  "No," he held up his hand in protest, "We are simply being soldiers celebrating one's promotion."

  "To the new Spectre," she held up her glass.

  "To the first Spectre."

  "Cheers," she smirked before taking a good sip of the strong liquor.

  Kaidan took another drink from his glass, recollecting, "At my parents place in Vancouver, drank more than a few beers on their balcony, looking over English Bay."

  "Yeah?"

  "Yeah, beautiful view..." he sighed, heavy in his thoughts, "I miss it." A damaged look befell the man as he remembered the day they left Earth. It caused everyone on the Normandy a lot of distress. He peered over at the woman studying his movements and stated, "You know what, though? I feel good about our chances. Just knowing that we can do this lets me sleep better at night.

  "You not sleeping, Kaidan?"

  "Maybe a little restless..." he confessed, hesitant to continue, "The war isn't the only thing keeping me up at night... I wonder about us.

  "Us?" Nevada asked, knowing right away that there was indeed more behind their rendezvous.  

  "Yeah, I want to make sure - after Mars, after Horizon. You and me, we're good?"

  "Kaidan, we've been through rough missions together, had each other's backs..."

  "I want you to be straight with me then. After Mars, and after doubting you... I just wanted to make sure that we're okay. Clear the air. But no, not just that. You were my commander, sure. But you listened, too. You sided with me about Vyrnnus. And when I told you about how Rahna broke my heart, you didn't judge me. You knew I needed that. We went through Ash's death together..." the sound of his heart dropping from the very mention of Ashley's name echoed through his injured voice.

  "Yeah... we did."

  "We were soldiers, but also friends. At least, I hope we were."

  "Yeah. We still are. Even if we do butt heads every now and then, we're on good terms. It is great having you back on the Normandy. Feels just like old times… easier times…" she felt the nervousness from earlier begin to boil.

  Thankfully, the waitress came to their table and interrupted their current conversation. She set down the Major's sandwich first and then came around to present the Commander with hers. It looked like pasta, smelled like it too… it didn't move when she poked it with a fork… She carefully spooled a bit onto her fork and took a bite. She pondered over it and finally determined it was indeed edible. Kaidan couldn't resist laughing over Nevada's futile examination of her lunch.

  She glared at him, "I had to be sure I wasn't eating some sort of crazy alien species that looked like spaghetti."

  For the next few minutes, they peacefully sat quietly and ate. They were simply enjoying their surroundings and each other's company. Once their meal was done and they were waiting for the check, Shepard remembered something from earlier, "You still haven't told me if you'll be returning to the Normandy or not."

  "I know…" Kaidan seemed apprehensive about what he was going to say, "It all depends on what you have to say."

  "About what?"

  "I know there's a war going on - and maybe you and I will never happen - but I need you to know something. I…" he took a deep breath and stared deeply into her brown eyes, "I have feelings for you, Shepard. I love you, I always have. And I want more. I want to understand what this is between us... and make it real. Not just as friends... as more than friends. I mean, I don't know..." he shook his head, trying to make sense of his feelings, "I just like having you in my life. Even when we're angry at each other, it's better than a day without you."

  "Kaidan, I," she tried to say something but couldn't.

  "I know we've talking about this before and I know you have something going on with James… but I cannot stop thinking about you. I cannot stop hoping that you'll be with me. I just want to know if maybe, sometime somewhere we could ever be together. That's what I want… that's all I want," he revealed, laying all of his innermost feelings on the table.

  Nevada sat quietly, trying to make sense of this whole situation. She could tell how much courage it took for him to admit his admiration and how much it meant for him to finally express it. But he already knew the answer…

  "I'm sorry, Kaidan. But we should just keep it professional between us… just stay as friends."

  "Right. Well, not the answer I was hoping for," he sounded injured.

  "I'm sorry," she said, knowing it wouldn't help.

  He sighed, "Does he make you happy?"

  The joyful grin curling up on her face the moment she began thinking about her Lieutenant answered his question. Anytime she thought about James Vega… the things he's done for her, the encounters they shared together, the nurturing he's provided through her toughest moments… it was enough to make her glow. He was the light in her life. With him by her side, she felt invincible.

  "I see… then I'm glad you're happy. Incidentally, you'd better be buying now," he looked away as the waitress stopped by once more with the check.

  Shepard took it and replied, "It's the least I can do."

  "I should let you get back to the Normandy," Kaidan advised.

  "Actually, I'm going to head down to the Holding Area," she stood up and pushed her chair in, "Vega's there, getting an N7 tattoo."

  The Alliance marine quickly directed his attention back to the Commander, surprised about the current information, "He's joining the N7?"

  "Yeah, and apparently I'm his mentor," she rolled her eyes.

  "Oh… I should have asked before making a complete fool of myself."

  "You didn't make a fool of yourself, you spoke from the heart. I appreciate that, Kaidan. I want you to feel free to tell things to me straight. Just because we cannot be together, doesn't mean we still cannot be friends. I do enjoy having you in my life and I always hope for the best for you. Just don't take this… too personally."

  "Well, in that case, can you do me one favor?"

  "Depends on the favor, Major… or should I say fellow Spectre?"

  He laughed, "I'm not a Spectre yet but… could you slap his fresh ink?"

  "Already ahead of you, been planning on doing that the moment he told me."

  "I like you even more now," the Major smiled, "I guess this is goodbye. Since I'll be staying here on the Citadel, I hope you'll come and visit me every now and then.

  "I will," she went up to him and gave him a firm hug, whispering, "Goodbye, Kaidan. Hopefully we'll cross paths again and continue to stay on good terms."

  "It's all I can hope for," he whispered back.